I have a jasmine plant that grows in the entryway to my house. It stopped blooming years ago, and everyday I walked by, I knew that it was struggling in the potting soil it was planted in years ago. When I slowed down enough to take a breath, I noticed that the soil smelled like rotting dirt. It obviously was very compacted and wasn't draining properly, and the plant was obviously crying out for help. Everyday I'd walk buy, I knew that I should change the soil, and everyday I walked by, I had many excuses for not doing it. It is in a large pot. It will be difficult to lift the plant out of the large pot. I would need to recruit some help. I told myself that it would be too much effort. And when the misery of the plant couldn't be ignored, I'd feel a little guilty that this situation has gone on for years, but I'd silently yell at the plant, "deal with it!" in an useless attempt to get my guilt to go away.
I have been taking a course offered by a group in South Africa called Structural Resonance Alignment (SRA). The purpose of the course is to identify and uproot thinking within ourselves where we make exceptions and excuses to justify not finding out and doing what's best for all, and "loving our neighbor as ourselves", as Jesus long ago instructed us to do. I've been taking apart my conscious, subconscious and unconscious "emotional programs for 'happiness' that will never work," and stopping my participation in these programs so that I can work towards becoming a living application of Jesus's instructions... someone who fully understands in a real, practical sense how to truly love my neighbor as myself in real living self-expression in every moment with every breath in everything I do.
So, what about this plant? Is it really OK to walk by this suffering plant in obvious misery, doing my best to ignore it and if I can't shrug my responsibility to it, to yell at it "deal with it" and make up excuses to justify to myself why I haven't taken the the time and effort required to correct the situation? I have to be honest with myself. What's best for all is that all living things have an equal chance at a life worth living. What's best for this plant is to have a chance to grow in soil that supports it thriving, not just surviving. We must all correct the inequalities that are allowed to exist within ourselves and all within this world one and equal as ourselves.
I cannot continue to ignore this situation. I decided to end the abuse and repot the plant.
So, I recruited a friend, got the best potting soil I could find and proceeded to replace the dirt in the pot. It was difficult to lift the plant out of the dirt, and when we were finally able to pry it free, we released an odor that reminded me of what happens when a wet swim suit sit in a plastic bag and is forgotten in the bottom of a gym locker for days, weeks or months. The texture of the dirt was like concrete. It was obvious that there was no oxygen in such compacted soil. The roots were suffocating.
I cried tears of shame, regret and sorrow that I had done this to my plant.
As we gently removed as much of the rotten dirt as we could, I noticed the roots. They broke easily and had grown into twisted and contorted shapes. A compensation for a miserable situation. Obviously, the plant had put a lot of effort into creating those twisted and contorted roots, and in one fraction of a second, they broke off. What would happen if this plant, with so much will to live had supportive dirt to grow in? It would use the same effort to make strong roots, ones that could truly support the plant to live out the fullness of itself.
It was then that I realized that I am this plant. As life serves me hardships, I have grown proud that I could "handle anything that is thrown at me". If life gives me lemons, I make lemonaid. I formed a story in my head that I was tough and could grow in any dirt. I didn't think that I deserved something supportive. What if I too had a chance to bloom? Would I let go of the suffering and produce flowers?
There have been moments where I have let the suffering go and just allowed myself to unconditionally enjoy that I have air to breathe and food to eat. I let myself be grateful for all of the support that is here for me. Then, I somehow feel uncomfortable with this because I was proud of all that I overcame and all that I managed and struggled through, just like a plant growing in rotting soil that smells like a gym locker with a wet swimming suit left in it way too long, I have taken pride in "doing the best I can" by growing twisted, contorted and fragile roots. Is it time to let that vision of myself go, and to accept and allow the possibility that I can embrace supportive people and situations now. Can I allow myself to be repotted?
I've been experiencing a lot of fear of letting go of the old dirt, the old definitions that aren't true any longer. I now have supportive people in my world and my reality than can help me change, in lasting ways, from the roots up. One day I could actually bloom again. I can step-by-step, day-by-day, moment-by-moment walk into another script for who I am in and as this world. And it starts with really, actually, practically loving myself as my neighbor... loving my neighbor as myself. And this can only happen from a foundation of oneness and equality.
The dirt has been changed, and the plant has a few new leaves. Under the soil, it probably also has many new roots. I envision those roots growing strong and expanding into their newly supportive soil, growing stronger and happier everyday. I envision that as I forgive myself for having done this to my plant-as-myself, that the plant will forgive me, in whatever ways plants do that.
I have many "emotional programs for happiness that will never work", including the "deal with it" one. Here is a video that one of the instructors for the course I'm taking had made for me. In it she describes a system of "underlying control". This is specifically what led to my torturing my plant, and what working on dismantling as I "change the dirt" in SRA.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ggMmm2SzMz4
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